skcabhsalf

Alcohol.Flashbacks.

My ill-fated night at Duka bay resort, it was fun while it lasted. But then, reality, always the bitch, kicks in. 

The mind will always be the wonder of mankind, it would make you think of things you've never had before. It would give you false memories, but somehow, it can also be a tool to escape from reality. I can mask all the things that I've done, but, I'd rather not. Not because I need to, but because I want to. Feeling every bit of memory that I have gives me a sense of freedom, but still surrounded by fear and angst.

Traces of the night, nights, day, days that passed by, would often haunt you or help you. In a way, it does both, having experienced both pain and excitement, the pictures of the moments that you held dear and hate will always be there to remind you of what you have done.

Looking back on the trip home, pictures of people snickering at the sound of my name flooded my head. But, who would I hate? Myself. Who did those things? Me. Who's to blame? I don't know. I could always say that I can blame myself for all the f-upped things that I have done, but somehow, I know that I wouldn't have done that without being fed with the catalyst. To put it simply, I don't react if I don't have anything to react to, pretty much like a science experiment, but when I'm on that thing, it's more of a Frankenstein experiment.

Something like the Jekyl and Hyde that everyone has, it's the thing that will put me in to a crude state. No, I am not ashamed of accepting the kind of person that I am, but, it's pretty decent to not remind me of who I was. But it's like being in a filipino action movie, same plot, same ending, just, different actors. 

I do admire some people, the way they look and how they act. But, seeing it all, seeing what happened, it just tells me that, people will react differently because of what they heard. Recalling everything that happened during that night was infact, a moronic act. 

Kept on seeing myself being ridiculed by my fellow students while being reprimanded by the staff, horrible sight, I know it’s gonna happen sometime soon, but I think I am ready to face it. Sorta. I have been through a lot and I know it’s gonna be one of my most hated moments in my life. Well, I’m the one to blame, i should’ve been stronger, it shouldn’t have happened.

Most of all, I always see the scene when me and my mom talked about this kind of thing, it’s gonna be me, standing infront, being ridiculed and reprimanded. And she’s beside me, patting my back, saying “Everything you ever worked hard for will all crumble to dust once you’ve done something stupid.”

Pink Floyd-y

A song which randomly plays in my head when I'm alone or when I'm feeling alone. Maybe it was part of my destiny to find out about this song. Partially, it's about alienation, as what's often said on various websites.

It's really awkward to say that I think about things, it gives away my rep for being a class-b asshole. But, to be honest, I do, well, I do now anyways. Going home alone on a long trip, is not a rare experience for me. I have done it countless times before, I find it peaceful, the time when I could really think and reflect about the things that I have done over the past years, or the past night, for that matter.

To be honest, what I thought about during that lone travel was, how the hell am I gonna be rich in an instant? I have one thousand and one problems waiting for me back home, and I can't solve any of it. Wasn't thinking about what happened last night. If you ask me, I'd rather think about what I really thought about before that fiasco. Though that was something to really think about, I dunno, I was more focused on the bigger problems that I have.

So, I did what I do best, stop caring about the people around me. Grabbed my backpack, settled and relaxed. Payed the fare and went off for a quick nap. After a couple of minutes, people started to board the bus, which, kinda pissed me off. But, whatever, this trip ain't chartered. 

Now, thinking about the problems I have, and the things I've done in my life, I felt more alone. Though I have my girlfriend, my family, my friends and whoever the f is thinking about me, I still felt alone. Because, I have been through so many mishaps in my life that I don't know why I made them. Depression, maybe? But no, it's just an excuse to act like a lunatic. Every action has its own beginning and you can trace it all the way, to understand why you did them.

Regret? Yes, I feel regret, I feel it every damn time I wake up. And I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry because I have failed on almost everything that I do. But, hey! What the hell? That's life. Shame, now that's another story, yes I felt it, who wouldn't? After all the commotion that happened, I guess, anyone who was directly involved would feel it too.

So, yeah, I also thought about the person who “divulged” that info. Maybe it was that guy, maybe it was someone else, but, the only person who knows me since grade school was him, so naturally, he would be the suspect. It doesn’t matter anymore though, what’s done is done, can’t change the fact that it happened.

Now, I wasn’t pissed off that someone said that, I am not ashamed of who I was, I won’t deny it, but I’d rather not hear it from anyone, not even my kin. That part of me, is part of me and I’m trying to do my best to keep it in a cage. I have not done anything stupid since January of this year, I was hoping to keep it that way. But, I guess, it’s pretty much like the movies, like what Carlito Brigante said “I don't invite this shit, it just comes to me. I run, it runs after me. Gotta be somewhere to hide. “.

After that, it was back to reality, like reality, reality. I’ve too much on my hands right now, I’m sick, I’m expecting something, I’m still in college after 7 years ( But! Wait, I quit school for more than 3 or 4 years, so yeah. ) , I wanna leave cdo. Actually, a lot. I don’t know where to start.

Maybe, it’s pretty much like the song, crying out for someone. To really feel that someone’s behind you every step of the way. I might have misunderstood the song, but, whatever, each to his own liking.

“How I wish, how I wish you were here. 
We're just two lost souls 
Swimming in a fish bowl, 
Year after year, 
Running over the same old ground. 
What have we found? 
The same old fears. 
Wish you were here. “

-Pink Floyd : Wish you were here

ME di na.

A memory etched in every corner of my mind.

Two days before the trip, I was having second thoughts about joining, truth is, I wasn't prepared. I wasn't prepared for the experience, I wasn't prepared financially, mentally... Was not. Life, as I know it never ceases to amaze, piss and mess me up.

First off, I didn't have a camera, but, I had the opportunity to take pictures because some people are just saints or acted like they were. All I brought was a memory stick, which, I would be placing in my pocket for the next 2 days. It was not fun at all, not fun since, the things that really captured me during the trip was, the ugliness of the place. Not ugly in the literal sense of the word, but ugly, due to the fact that a lot of things were broken, or seemed to be broken.

Empty, dull and inhospitable. Those 3 words would best describe the household that we were assigned to, on the first day. I could see myself in that place, sulking, reading, smoking, not giving a rat's ass about what was happening outside. But, I know how to handle people, well, most of the time anyways. Except, this lady was everything that I hated, if there was a chance to speak to her again, I'd most likely shut my cake hole. I would just waste my breath and my time speaking to her.

... at the street, there were people, obviously. People who had different takes on us, while some were just plain pissed that they had a picture of them taken, the others were more than willing to have been subjects by my other classmates. Amidst all the commotion taking place, the kids lining up for their close-ups or whatever the hell they wanted, I took notice of this house. The roof was not done, it was just wood, carefully and, in my opinion, placed in a manner that it would have added some class to it. While it was a concrete house, it was pretty dumb to see one without a roof, while the small wooden house had their roof to cover them up. To put it simply, it was the odd one out.

Even before I took a gaze on that house, retarded as I am, it had been my subject through out the activity. Capturing, or wanting to capture the odd one out. Maybe because I was feeling the same way, since as I have mentioned a couple of times now, I'm one of the people who took the class without a camera. I know its lame and I'm sorry about it. Aside from trying to capture that idea, I also had this feeling of taking pictures of the things that I really found to be dangerous to the people. Like for example, an electric outlet nailed to a post without any form of protection. Talk about electrocution.

Though, thinking about it before going to bed on the first night,  "maybe, I wasn't here to take pictures, but to talk to people living here, talk about what their concerns are and whatnots." Since, I'm sure that most of the time that I spent at the north and south poblacions were consumed with talking and chatting with the locals.

There were a lot of things that happened back there, events which could've been avoided if I hadn't been an assclown.Though being an assclown always has it's purpose and reason, it's still the same. I knew a lot of people, I had fun,well, sort of.

On my way back to the city, I thought about the things that bothered me the night before. What good is a picture if you asked people to pose for you? Was taking pictures of what was broken necessary? Was I having the wrong idea of taking pictures of those broken things and odd ones out? But the biggest question was, if I took a picture of the odd one out, would I be intruding or violating the other photographer's right/s?

To sum it all up, it was kinda having a meat + vegetable meal for me. Though I have personally regret the actions that I had done during the last night, the most unforgettable sad revelation is that, I broke down, in the middle of something that was supposed to be fun. Now, after all the years of visiting and spending the nights enjoying Duka bay resort, I will always remember the dumbassery that I did on that night.

iNmotion

To capture something moving is difficult, to say the least. To capture a moving vehicle and blur out the background is even harder.

We all wanted to do what we were supposed to do, but thanks to 2 cameras; 1 is a-ok and the other had a broken lcd and to top it off it's being shared by 3 guys(I am not complaning btw, since I know that it is a must to have a camera in this class), the main problem was, we were newbies. Nothing new there, it was always the problem, we weren't practiced, we weren't masters of the thing. Well, we had some worthy of submitting, but most of it was just rubbish. We spent a good 3~4 hours at a certain spot in the city, where vehicles were in abundance. And like every other day that we had an opportunity to borrow a camera, guess what? It rained, not the typhoon kind, but we were dealing with a downpour.

Looking back, the failed endeavor was not entirely a failure. We learned a couple of things, we had troubles, we had to stand on the middle of the road and the chance to look like "pro" photographers while doing that. I guess, that was the part that stood out, the time when we were having fun. But, sadly, when were finally viewing the pictures, reality kicks in.