Pentance

Repent, from which you have fallen
Life, soon to be diminished
Vanquish the thoughts which have taken you back
Hole up in your putrid sanctity.

Defy, being as what you are
Death, sleeping in the corner
Murderous ways have left you to rot
Slowly creeping, consuming your life.

The slow death you've longed for
Swiftly comes to pass,denying existence
You could never taste the solemn escape
Life has left you, hole up, dried up, deceased.

Repent, you never did anyways
Transcendence,  never be achieved
Worming your way in existence
Leaving no scars behind.

Random words put together
The meaning, in your head alone
Left you the ever present question
Bleed.



the fck is this shit anyways? random words, put together, no meaning at all.

Intrams-a-thon

Adrenaline rush, this will be the most fitting word to describe what every person during the intramurals would most likely feel. Though not everyone is a player, they can still cheer for the team they like, the opposite sex that they admire, the college they're in and whatever they want to cheer about.


Hectic as it was, since I was also lending my voice for our recording on the day of the photo marathon, it was fun, I could really feel that I was in school again, that I was a student again, that I was learning again. I had to run  to the classroom to know about which pictures to take then go back to the recording booth for the radio mag. And while at it, I had to run down to where the rest of the class was, and go up to the 5th floor on the elevator of death (since the elevator at that time didn't have lights on).


It was fun, Joe lent me his camera, the  teamwork I saw during the intrams was not limited to the teams that were striving to win every tiresome contest that they were part of, it was also visible within ourselves, the competition? Our other classmates, the judge, you.


Every now and then, we tend to be overly competitive in everything that we do, lest we forget that we are not only up against our classmates and our friends, but, as Joe mentioned in his blog entry, we are also up against ourselves. Maybe before the class started, I was more into mediocre things, living up to the common pinoy's nature of "Bahala na", right now, I feel more competitive, this is a feeling that I forgot.


I forgot since, I was in a point in my life that I wanted to question everything, to be rebellious of the norm. But now, as I've seen it, it's not that bad to conform to the norm, someone has to, and that someone is me.


I know this won't mean anything right now, but thanks. It was not only limited to the classroom lesson, the out-of-the-room activities, it was the feeling of being pushed around again, being pressured.

Open

... We seem to not mind every little thing that we see, it's a fact of life. We only take interest in the significance of things that come our way.

What I've learned during the semester is; that I still need to learn a lot of things about how to make a good photograph. But, it's not only limited to taking photos, it's also about how to make a story, or how to create a story using what I have.  ... But it's not pretty much about photographs, I've learned to see things in a different manner, like passing requirements and not being an ass. It was a pretty good learning experience for me, but, I would rather treasure the learning which were not about photography but, the learning about life. Though, not everyone thinks the way that I do, it's because of the way that they were brought up, the way they grew up, the way they are.

Taking pictures and everything that goes with it. But, aside from that, by now, I should've learned to follow rules, because these are what makes us function, these are the ones that will shape us into better persons, since the school and its courses is one of the best experiences in learning to live life fully, because, Most of the time, I am not really concerned about the things that  I meet along the way, I don't mind them, BUT, looking back, if I had only been vigilant of the signs that were laid before me, I would've been a better person than what I am now.

From the way things are right now, they shouldn't have been the way they are right now, if, I... But, there's no time for excuses. Well, maybe that's one of the best one that I've had so far, I wouldn't mind if I'm not the best at taking photographs, I wouldn't mind if I wasn't the best blogger, I wouldn't mind if I wasn't the best student, not that I would ever be, what I would mind though, is, not learning anything about myself.

Every little thing that I've learned, must be applied to every little thing that I do. Since, I now have some knowledge about particular things, I should now be able to practice them, not only the learning in class, but also with the learning in life that was, well, learned through this class and its instructors.

-1 Corinthians 8:2 
For if anyone supposes that he knows anything, he has not yet known as he ought to know;

The 4 truths.

We were tasked to take on an activity asking people questions. I wasn't able to attend the activity because of some really important dilemma a.k.a bantay bata 163. 


Eitherway, I took the liberty of asking my ever sarcastic sister the 4 questions, here it goes.

1. What do you think of the Emano administration?




"Wala koi paki kay Emano, passive man gyud kaau ang tao sa cdo. Busa dili kabalo kung unsay gakahitabo, kanang wala kaau awareness ang mga citizens diri. Aw, wala puy gaka hitabo sa syudad."




2. Who is your role model?




"Akong self. Wala koi tawo makita nga worthy nga himoun nako ug role model." 




3. What is the youth's major problem nowadays?




"Dependent ra kaau sa uban tao ang mga youth karon. Dili maka lihok kung walay kauban and so on."




4. What will you be doing 10 years from now?




"If inani lang gihapon ka backward ang Philippines 10 years from now, ang akoang buhaton kay i-mock nako ang pagka backward sa country."




From a 17 year old lady who doesn't give a damn about society, my ever fat and loud sister, Mitoy Magno. I give her props on her answer to the role model question though, it hit me hard.

Pandemonium

Filth, it's not only limited to what we see in the bins. It's most rampant in the parts that we often see, hear or do. It's how I took the word.


The activity at the market was not an eye opener, my eyes were already open to the realities of this place. Though some may see it as something new, for me, it has been that way since I was young. I may not look like the kind of person to give a damn about society, but sometimes, I really do. What makes the market dirty? We can take that it's dirty in the most literal meaning of the word, but what we fail to see is the other picture, the foulness of the place is not only cause by fish heads and rotten vegetables; it is rather caused by the people who run the place.


Defilement of a place is not because of the place's purpose, it's the people that live there that makes it the way it is. Like, let's take hell for an example, hell is a place decay, filth, or whatever it is that you'd like to call it. It makes it that way because of its residents, demons. In a way, we can all say that hell, is not what we think of it, it is rather the feeling of being in a place of utter discomfort.

Mind the signs, they are the ones that guides us in life. So, with that being said, how many signs does it take for us to finally open our eyes and think with our brains, no matter how small and dull it may be. As this picture was taken, I was disgusted, are we that stupid? Can't we read 2 simple words? Is it that complicated?

Pandemonium, I like the word, liked it ever since I was young. It's the place where demons meet, it's the capital of hell in John Milton's Paradise Lost, the place where the unclean gather. But aside from that, it also means chaos. To put it simply, the market is full of chaos, demons and the people who are living day by day by day, by day, to earn a living.

But, to every single story, we can always find bliss amidst all the chaos that happens around us.

Fiiiiiiiiesta D:

By all means, not everyone celebrates during fiestas. I had the chance to take snapshots of people for just one day, why? Cause I was bored, bored of the same old, so~so things that happens during the annual city celebration. It always follows the routine, gigs there, gigs here, gigs every-effin-where. I mean, I like music, hell, I LOVE music, I can't live without it but, I grew up, I didn't wanna throw myself into those gigs anymore. I already have my responsibilities and whatnots. 

The snapshot was of someone that was out of the picture; again, that was the subject. Pretty much sums up what I felt during the week-long celebration. It wasn't just boredom, in a sense; it was also the best time to reflect on what I lost. ... I lost my youth, I lost the urge to party, to get drunk during those days, but, most of all, I lost a part of me. I've often wondered why my fiestas weren’t as fun as before, but then, I realized that, my grandpa's old house was sold, years ago. Though I didn't grow up in that house, it was my only escape from all the bad things I've done in my life. That was the place where I could hide my being an asshole; it was the place where I could always strive for the better, where I always felt better, where I learned better things.

Back then, when it was the 28th day of august, the whole family would gather in that house, then, a couple of minutes later, we'd go to the VIP hotel to watch the city parade. Then, hot as it was, it didn't bother us, it was all in fun, then we'd go down to my aunt & gramp's clinic, or my cousins and I would just hide and try to hit people with bb guns. Hell, that was fun, lotsa memories... How I miss the old times. I guess, when we get older, we tend to forget how the little things we've done made our days better. But, when we reminisce about the past, we only feel pain. Pain, cause we remember how the days were and how fun it was. 

So, in a way, I decided not to really "celebrate" the fiesta, there were only 2 events that I participated in, one was the generic-barbeque with my buddies and the other one would be to take pictures of people.

... Looking back on that week, it somehow tells me that, as I got older, I only did the things that had to be done, rather than doing the things that I'd really love to do.

skcabhsalf

Alcohol.Flashbacks.

My ill-fated night at Duka bay resort, it was fun while it lasted. But then, reality, always the bitch, kicks in. 

The mind will always be the wonder of mankind, it would make you think of things you've never had before. It would give you false memories, but somehow, it can also be a tool to escape from reality. I can mask all the things that I've done, but, I'd rather not. Not because I need to, but because I want to. Feeling every bit of memory that I have gives me a sense of freedom, but still surrounded by fear and angst.

Traces of the night, nights, day, days that passed by, would often haunt you or help you. In a way, it does both, having experienced both pain and excitement, the pictures of the moments that you held dear and hate will always be there to remind you of what you have done.

Looking back on the trip home, pictures of people snickering at the sound of my name flooded my head. But, who would I hate? Myself. Who did those things? Me. Who's to blame? I don't know. I could always say that I can blame myself for all the f-upped things that I have done, but somehow, I know that I wouldn't have done that without being fed with the catalyst. To put it simply, I don't react if I don't have anything to react to, pretty much like a science experiment, but when I'm on that thing, it's more of a Frankenstein experiment.

Something like the Jekyl and Hyde that everyone has, it's the thing that will put me in to a crude state. No, I am not ashamed of accepting the kind of person that I am, but, it's pretty decent to not remind me of who I was. But it's like being in a filipino action movie, same plot, same ending, just, different actors. 

I do admire some people, the way they look and how they act. But, seeing it all, seeing what happened, it just tells me that, people will react differently because of what they heard. Recalling everything that happened during that night was infact, a moronic act. 

Kept on seeing myself being ridiculed by my fellow students while being reprimanded by the staff, horrible sight, I know it’s gonna happen sometime soon, but I think I am ready to face it. Sorta. I have been through a lot and I know it’s gonna be one of my most hated moments in my life. Well, I’m the one to blame, i should’ve been stronger, it shouldn’t have happened.

Most of all, I always see the scene when me and my mom talked about this kind of thing, it’s gonna be me, standing infront, being ridiculed and reprimanded. And she’s beside me, patting my back, saying “Everything you ever worked hard for will all crumble to dust once you’ve done something stupid.”

Pink Floyd-y

A song which randomly plays in my head when I'm alone or when I'm feeling alone. Maybe it was part of my destiny to find out about this song. Partially, it's about alienation, as what's often said on various websites.

It's really awkward to say that I think about things, it gives away my rep for being a class-b asshole. But, to be honest, I do, well, I do now anyways. Going home alone on a long trip, is not a rare experience for me. I have done it countless times before, I find it peaceful, the time when I could really think and reflect about the things that I have done over the past years, or the past night, for that matter.

To be honest, what I thought about during that lone travel was, how the hell am I gonna be rich in an instant? I have one thousand and one problems waiting for me back home, and I can't solve any of it. Wasn't thinking about what happened last night. If you ask me, I'd rather think about what I really thought about before that fiasco. Though that was something to really think about, I dunno, I was more focused on the bigger problems that I have.

So, I did what I do best, stop caring about the people around me. Grabbed my backpack, settled and relaxed. Payed the fare and went off for a quick nap. After a couple of minutes, people started to board the bus, which, kinda pissed me off. But, whatever, this trip ain't chartered. 

Now, thinking about the problems I have, and the things I've done in my life, I felt more alone. Though I have my girlfriend, my family, my friends and whoever the f is thinking about me, I still felt alone. Because, I have been through so many mishaps in my life that I don't know why I made them. Depression, maybe? But no, it's just an excuse to act like a lunatic. Every action has its own beginning and you can trace it all the way, to understand why you did them.

Regret? Yes, I feel regret, I feel it every damn time I wake up. And I feel sorry for myself, I feel sorry because I have failed on almost everything that I do. But, hey! What the hell? That's life. Shame, now that's another story, yes I felt it, who wouldn't? After all the commotion that happened, I guess, anyone who was directly involved would feel it too.

So, yeah, I also thought about the person who “divulged” that info. Maybe it was that guy, maybe it was someone else, but, the only person who knows me since grade school was him, so naturally, he would be the suspect. It doesn’t matter anymore though, what’s done is done, can’t change the fact that it happened.

Now, I wasn’t pissed off that someone said that, I am not ashamed of who I was, I won’t deny it, but I’d rather not hear it from anyone, not even my kin. That part of me, is part of me and I’m trying to do my best to keep it in a cage. I have not done anything stupid since January of this year, I was hoping to keep it that way. But, I guess, it’s pretty much like the movies, like what Carlito Brigante said “I don't invite this shit, it just comes to me. I run, it runs after me. Gotta be somewhere to hide. “.

After that, it was back to reality, like reality, reality. I’ve too much on my hands right now, I’m sick, I’m expecting something, I’m still in college after 7 years ( But! Wait, I quit school for more than 3 or 4 years, so yeah. ) , I wanna leave cdo. Actually, a lot. I don’t know where to start.

Maybe, it’s pretty much like the song, crying out for someone. To really feel that someone’s behind you every step of the way. I might have misunderstood the song, but, whatever, each to his own liking.

“How I wish, how I wish you were here. 
We're just two lost souls 
Swimming in a fish bowl, 
Year after year, 
Running over the same old ground. 
What have we found? 
The same old fears. 
Wish you were here. “

-Pink Floyd : Wish you were here

ME di na.

A memory etched in every corner of my mind.

Two days before the trip, I was having second thoughts about joining, truth is, I wasn't prepared. I wasn't prepared for the experience, I wasn't prepared financially, mentally... Was not. Life, as I know it never ceases to amaze, piss and mess me up.

First off, I didn't have a camera, but, I had the opportunity to take pictures because some people are just saints or acted like they were. All I brought was a memory stick, which, I would be placing in my pocket for the next 2 days. It was not fun at all, not fun since, the things that really captured me during the trip was, the ugliness of the place. Not ugly in the literal sense of the word, but ugly, due to the fact that a lot of things were broken, or seemed to be broken.

Empty, dull and inhospitable. Those 3 words would best describe the household that we were assigned to, on the first day. I could see myself in that place, sulking, reading, smoking, not giving a rat's ass about what was happening outside. But, I know how to handle people, well, most of the time anyways. Except, this lady was everything that I hated, if there was a chance to speak to her again, I'd most likely shut my cake hole. I would just waste my breath and my time speaking to her.

... at the street, there were people, obviously. People who had different takes on us, while some were just plain pissed that they had a picture of them taken, the others were more than willing to have been subjects by my other classmates. Amidst all the commotion taking place, the kids lining up for their close-ups or whatever the hell they wanted, I took notice of this house. The roof was not done, it was just wood, carefully and, in my opinion, placed in a manner that it would have added some class to it. While it was a concrete house, it was pretty dumb to see one without a roof, while the small wooden house had their roof to cover them up. To put it simply, it was the odd one out.

Even before I took a gaze on that house, retarded as I am, it had been my subject through out the activity. Capturing, or wanting to capture the odd one out. Maybe because I was feeling the same way, since as I have mentioned a couple of times now, I'm one of the people who took the class without a camera. I know its lame and I'm sorry about it. Aside from trying to capture that idea, I also had this feeling of taking pictures of the things that I really found to be dangerous to the people. Like for example, an electric outlet nailed to a post without any form of protection. Talk about electrocution.

Though, thinking about it before going to bed on the first night,  "maybe, I wasn't here to take pictures, but to talk to people living here, talk about what their concerns are and whatnots." Since, I'm sure that most of the time that I spent at the north and south poblacions were consumed with talking and chatting with the locals.

There were a lot of things that happened back there, events which could've been avoided if I hadn't been an assclown.Though being an assclown always has it's purpose and reason, it's still the same. I knew a lot of people, I had fun,well, sort of.

On my way back to the city, I thought about the things that bothered me the night before. What good is a picture if you asked people to pose for you? Was taking pictures of what was broken necessary? Was I having the wrong idea of taking pictures of those broken things and odd ones out? But the biggest question was, if I took a picture of the odd one out, would I be intruding or violating the other photographer's right/s?

To sum it all up, it was kinda having a meat + vegetable meal for me. Though I have personally regret the actions that I had done during the last night, the most unforgettable sad revelation is that, I broke down, in the middle of something that was supposed to be fun. Now, after all the years of visiting and spending the nights enjoying Duka bay resort, I will always remember the dumbassery that I did on that night.

iNmotion

To capture something moving is difficult, to say the least. To capture a moving vehicle and blur out the background is even harder.

We all wanted to do what we were supposed to do, but thanks to 2 cameras; 1 is a-ok and the other had a broken lcd and to top it off it's being shared by 3 guys(I am not complaning btw, since I know that it is a must to have a camera in this class), the main problem was, we were newbies. Nothing new there, it was always the problem, we weren't practiced, we weren't masters of the thing. Well, we had some worthy of submitting, but most of it was just rubbish. We spent a good 3~4 hours at a certain spot in the city, where vehicles were in abundance. And like every other day that we had an opportunity to borrow a camera, guess what? It rained, not the typhoon kind, but we were dealing with a downpour.

Looking back, the failed endeavor was not entirely a failure. We learned a couple of things, we had troubles, we had to stand on the middle of the road and the chance to look like "pro" photographers while doing that. I guess, that was the part that stood out, the time when we were having fun. But, sadly, when were finally viewing the pictures, reality kicks in.

First time.

The immersion at Lapasan was the very first time that I had the opportunity to hold a DSLR in my hand, Yes, 'twas the first time. First, because I am afraid to touch them DSLRs, why? Because it costs a lot and because of the fact that I am not good at taking photographs. I'm a pessimist when it comes to taking pictures, I know that I suck at it, but hey, I try! Anyways, aside from that opportunity, I also had the chance to see how life is at that part of Cagayan de Oro. I guess, it was not limited to taking pictures, but, to take the seriousness of their situation in mind. I don't know if most of my classmates only took pictures to impress, or only took the activity per se, but for me, it wasn't just all about taking pictures. I kinda have the feeling that, when taking pictures, the picture or pictures, would only have a meaning if there was a story behind it, and not only concerned with the technicalities of the picture. I may not be that good at taking photographs, nor in making a story of what I have, but, I really try to. Pretty much like the people at that area, living day by day, trying to make the best out of everything they have. I pray though, to be better at this field.

Boxed.

The title itself is self-explanatory, we were on a mission to take pictures of miniature models inside what was called a Light Box, though I am always challenged in taking pictures, I still did my best to make it look like I knew what I was doing. Besides being a newb at photography, I really don't know which angle to choose and/or which lighting is best for a particular shot. I guess, it's pretty precise to say that I suck at photography, well, for the moment at least. But, it was fun, well, sort off, until the time when I saw that I really sucked at it. To be honest, it was a tedious activity, I really had to make an effort to, in a way, make it look like a picture, to say the least. And, to add nail to the coffin, we had to use an SLR camera, which, would really make me suck so bad because their isn't a way to see if you have done a trash-worthy picture or not. Nevertheless, the activity helped me realize that, first, in taking pictures, there are really a lot of elements to consider.

Target practice.

View finder, knob, adjust, shoot, scribble. These were the most common actions during last week's activity, we were tasked to take pictures of anything we saw fit inside the campus. Though limited to what we always observe, it was also an experience in itself. I'm a noob at photography, I was always thinking that it was simple and involved no technicalities, but to my surprise, it involved gazzilions of technicalities to make a picture look, somewhat better. Hours went by, I still couldn't make up my mind about which subjects to take pictures of, good thing we were assigned to our own group. I did make a lot of mistakes, but whatever, I have an excuse, I'm still a noob. Now, seeing the pictures that we took, I felt ashamed, it felt like I wasn't fit for the course, like I was the ugliest duckling of the bunch, the noob. I hope I get better tho, better, to not only pass the course, but better in the sense that, one day, I'd be proud to say that, this photo is mine.

Poverty

Povrty

     The most common problem among all countries is poverty, it's more like a disease infecting countries, the world over. We can't say that there's a country in this earth that doesn't or haven't suffered from this disease, because poverty knows no race, no age and especially no time. It may be common to all countries, but, it's nasty tongue has ripped through our country since the beginning. While education might be one of the factors, we should also keep in mind that most suffer from poverty because of greed. Yes, greed. Greed for money, people have an insatiable thirst, even when others are affected, some still don't give a rat's ass about it, what's important is that, they earn more. I have no idea if sweatshops are rampant in this country, but I do know that oligarchy is very much present in our society. With just these two factors that contribute to poverty, the country is already on it's knees, what will happen if we add more factors to this already destructive duet? 

Pic courtesy of : http://www.manilamaildc.net/wp-content/gallery/vol-xvii-no-12/was-post-poverty-rp.jpg